Monday, May 7, 2012

.learning how not to be sick.

Not physically.  Physically you're either sick and having a bad day or you're not.  But emotionally.  Perhaps it's just me.  I don't know.  I don't really know a lot of people who deal with long term chronic illnesses like I do.

Herein lies the problem.  Over the past couple months my dr has made some changes in my medicine that have resulted in my feeling better.  Physically.  I'm still not where I would like to be.  But I can certainly tell a difference from where I was at the beginning of the year.  I'm in less pain; my thyroid is leveling out and I'm not feeling overly exhausted 24/7.  I can tell a difference in my energy level.

But emotionally, I'm struggling.  I've been so sick for so long.....I don't know how not to be sick.  I don't know how to wake up, feeling great and go out an enjoy life.  I wake up feeling great and I panic.  What does this mean?  What am I going to have to do?  What are people going to expect from me?  For so long so little has been required of me because of my health.  So what happens when I'm feeling better? 

It sounds so stupid, I know.  I should be thrilled to wake up and feel strong and healthy.  Instead it scares the hell out of me!  On the one hand it's exciting to think "Wow, I can actually live life today!"  I think about the things that I could do with my family.  Go to the Farmers Market; go out to lunch; go to a movie.  And then I panic. 

The thought of leaving the comfort of my home; of my scares me to death!  I'm safe here; everything is ok.  If I go out in the real world what will happen? 

I feel like a person with agoraphobia.  I just want to stay in the safe confines of my room.  Is it possible I'm afraid to get better?  Am I afraid to live life?  In my mind, there's so much I want to do.  I want to go hiking with my family; I want to have cook outs; family game night.  I want to go visit my daughter and son-in-law; I want to go visit my son at the barn.  I want to go for walks in the evening with my husband. 

But I am afraid.  I know I need help to get beyond on this.  I know I need to see someone.  Because the bottom line is I can't, I refuse to go from being so sick physically for so long to finally feeling better only to be chained down by emotional fear. 

So my first appointment with my dr is Wednesday and hopefully that will be the first step to living a fully functional, normal life.

I'm ready!

No comments:

Post a Comment